Assertiveness- How To be Assertive

We are motivated by the habits and traits of people who have achieved success and happiness in life. They have learned how to use powerful success and life skills, all of which we can learn and use too if we so desire.

One of the key traits of successful, happy people is assertiveness. Assertiveness is important in getting things done, and in working with other people, either at work or in a relationship. However, being assertive can also be mistaken for being aggressive.

There is a huge difference between the two and it's important to understand why they are not the same, especially in terms of how it makes us appear to others.

Being assertive is standing up for yourself while being considerate of other people. You are aware of how your words or actions directly affect others, so you choose to conduct yourself appropriately.

How an assertive individual and an aggressive individual communicate with and conduct themselves to others are very different.

An aggressive person will say unpleasant things to someone in order to dominate them and get their own way. They might get their own way in the process, but as a result, they will likely lose the respect and trust of that individual. Their influence on other people is negative.

An assertive individual can also have the drive to persuade someone to do what they want. However, where they differ is that the assertive individual will communicate things tactfully while remaining open to the person’s opinion.

Therefore, it is better to be assertive and not aggressive if you want to exhibit good communication skills and behavior.

Assertiveness versus Aggression

There are different ways to determine one communication style from the other.

Here is a brief explanation of the two.

Assertiveness is based on balance. When you are assertive, you are clear and forward about your needs without overstepping boundaries.

Your goal is to communicate your opinion while respecting other people’s feelings and opinions. You don’t try to force them into your way of thinking.

Aggression is based on the desire to win the discussion or situation. If you are a person who shows aggressive behaviors, you are doing what will help you, with no consideration for others. You do what needs to be done to suit your agenda. Aggressive behavior is seen to be rude, pushy, and selfish.

Assessing Your Communication Style

You may already be aware of what type of style you exhibit to others. The more we understand the type of communication that we use, the better we can narrow down the crucial areas where we may need to improve. Regardless of your style, there is almost always room for improvement.

People who want to take on a more assertive communication style may currently be passive communicators or aggressive communicators.

If you are a passive communicator, it is typical for you to allow the needs of others to come before your own. This sounds lovely at face value, but it is not always healthy. You have to care for yourself too. Being too passive all the time can lead to resentment and build up other negative emotions.

If you are an aggressive communicator, you may tend to walk all over other people and disregard their opinions and emotions, simply to get what you want. This is not a communication style that leads to long, happy relationships.

You will end up alienating many people you come in contact with. They will not want to trust you or respect you if you blatantly crush them all the time.

Assertive People Communicate Honestly and Openly

Assertiveness is the ability to communicate your truth clearly to others. It’s a way to communicate with people healthily and confidently. Being assertive means you are standing up for yourself and holding your ground, while still respecting the other person's rights and opinions.

If we work with other people, this trait can be exercised almost daily. The reason is that the people we are surrounded by, whether it be at work, in school, or even in our families, are very different from us.

Someone who has mastered the skill of being assertive is a person who is neither passive nor aggressive and has a more honest, direct approach when communicating with others.

We will never always agree with others, even if we love them unconditionally or respect them. Disagreeing with them once in a while is completely normal. This doesn't diminish the love or respect we have for them either.

It simply means we are unique individuals with distinct personalities and different values, which we stick by if we want to remain true to ourselves. At some point, our differences will reveal themselves and that is why we may sometimes clash.

Our innate ability to stand up for ourselves, communicate our truth and needs, and still consider another person’s perspective (no matter how different it is from our own) is what being assertive is all about.

If we find we work harmoniously with other people, keep our relationships open and honest, and remain happy at the same time, then it means that we have developed this very important quality in ourselves. It means we are capable of being assertive.

Assertiveness Is Not Arrogance or Domination

Being an assertive individual can be a very attractive trait because it signifies true confidence. If you are self-assured, without being arrogant, then it is easier for you to listen to others and consider their perspective in different situations.

A person might be self-confident, which is a good thing, but if they are too confident, it can come across negatively. You don’t want to appear arrogant.

If they don't listen to others, if they dismiss other people's concerns, and if they want what they want all the time, then it's a form of domination. This trait can also be seen as being arrogant, and it doesn't come from a place of confidence, but insecurity.

If you need to dominate other people, that is not assertiveness in action. That is aggression. You may believe that being strong-willed is just being assertive. An aggressive individual might be genuinely convinced that they are only showing signs of assertiveness.

However, if they are trying to get what they want from other people with a negative undertone, then it is aggression. This is where aggressiveness can get mistaken for assertiveness. The effect on other people is very different.

An assertive person easily earns the trust and confidence of other people. However, an aggressive person who dominates people for their self-gain won't likely make too many friends. They’ll regularly lose them.

How To Be Assertive and Not Aggressive

If you feel you may be aggressive at times, or you are too passive in your communication style, then here are a few tips for you to begin being assertive.

Keep Your Words Simple

Sometimes, when we try to tell others about how we feel, our intention gets lost in our words. Avoid being misunderstood by keeping your language simple and direct. It is also better to speak in a normal conversational tone and avoid letting emotions get in the way of balanced speech.

If you allow your emotions to get in the way, your voice will rise or get louder and you don’t want that. You don’t want to sound condescending either. So practice using your ‘normal’ tone. Being assertive is all about giving a clear and better understanding of your intention and needs.

Be Mindful of Your Body Language

Communication is not just about the words you speak but also how your body ‘speaks.’ Your body language plays a significant role in your assertive communication style.

For example, maintaining eye contact with the other person can make people respond to you better. However, maintaining eye contact doesn’t mean staring them down! Your gaze can appear caring or uncaring, even vicious. So make sure you are not sending the wrong signals.

Posture can also say a lot about your assertiveness. Keep your posture upright and relaxed while also maintaining a neutral or positive facial expression. A relaxed posture and respectful eye contact can help you take on a more assertive stance in many situations.

Don’t Blame Others - Take Responsibility

People tend to be defensive and aggressive when they feel they are being accused or blamed for something. Being assertive requires you to avoid throwing out accusations. You won’t earn the respect of others if you do that.

One way to avoid blaming others is to make use of 'I' statements. Doing so will help deflect the other person's pressure and attention, and you will be able to turn it around and center the conversation on your intentions.

Using 'I' statements, such as ‘I feel’ or ‘I think…’ is far less aggressive and accusing than phrases such as, ‘You never’ or ‘You always…’

People are more likely to respond positively to you if you say I instead of you. You immediately don’t appear confrontational when you make the right statement.

Prepare and Plan Ahead

Preparation is key if you want to be more assertive when making requests from others. You need to prepare for the unexpected. If you are at work, be prepared by doing the research you need in case you are asked to back up your claims. This will help prevent you becoming defensive or aggressive.

Keep Calm

It isn't easy to communicate clearly if we get too emotional. If you tend to become angry when in a difficult situation, it is better to take time out first and calm yourself before taking the conversation further. It is better to approach the other person when calm rather than frustrated or feeling defeated.

Remember to breathe normally and become more aware of your composure when speaking to avoid being too riled up with emotion. Being assertive allows you to communicate your needs clearly without overstepping boundaries or disregarding other people’s emotions.

Conclusion

You may think you are projecting assertiveness, but its effect on the people around you is what determines if this is the case. They may see you as being either verbally or physically aggressive, and you don’t want that!

Emotional intelligence is at play in the assertive person's response to any given situation, and this is lacking in the aggressive individual's reaction.

Great success, more happiness, and less stress can be achieved by being assertive. Yes, success has been achieved by aggressors on many occasions too. However, the aggressors are unlikely to win the respect and trust of people in the long term.

If you want to achieve true happiness and success in life, be assertive rather than aggressive. Your relationships will remain healthy and strong, and your happiness will grow. The respect you will earn will boost your confidence and your self-worth.

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